I believe this write-up is from the fourth game of the 1st Season, Skaven vs. Nurgle. Nurgle is a Chaos team, dedicated to the eponymous great Chaos God of Death, Decay, and Pestilence. Mostly Pestilence.
Hail and brimstone to the gutless and the grubbers out there in Interwarp land. This is the Blind Bastard Barnabas, and this one is gonna be a doozy. A floozy. A motherfucking barn-stompin’ eye-gouger.
It’s Coach Sarc’s SKAUS’s Screamers against Alastor’s Abominations under commander of the sly and salacious Coach Veengrd.
So kick up the fires and eat the dogs. Lock up your sons and raise hell with your daughters. WE got ourselves a BLOODBOWL match.
The bookmakers have looked both teams over, and decided that SKAUS’s new Rat Ogre, a lovely, slavering slob name of Zipkut, puts them way over the top. To balance things out, they have given Alastor’s Abominations 160,000 gold.
160,000 gold! What the hell! With that, he can buy the whole frickin’ stadium. Back in my day, they’d have given you a new pair of cleats, if you were lucky, and a board with some rusty nails, and said, “gud luck, guv’nor,” and that would be that.
Coach Veengrd is taking his sweet time licking his lips over every possible wizard or bloodweiser babe. Ah, he’s chosen. Wizard. Stinkin’ wizards what gave me this limp.
Our little epic is set in the Nordic ski chalet. A lovely land of snow, and cold, and ice, and shivering. And stupid snow over the pitch, so what a blind man can’t see what’s going on. Let’s get this schoolyard rumble started!
The little golden token flies up into the air – Abomination calls it, and chooses to receive!
SKAUS’s Screamers have a kicker, but somehow haven’t figured out to use him, what as he ends up on the Line of Scrimmage, and some knucklehead ends up kicking. High. A Pestigor plucks it right out of the air. A bad omen.
The Abominations mark half the Screamers right off the gate, knocking a few heads in the process. The Pestigor QB moves up to the line of scrimmage, well guarded.
The Skaven react. The Rat Ogre rushes forward in a furious blitz and throws a block and OH MY STARS AND SHIVS, he took out the Pestigor! A level 3! And my took out I mean he ripped out his fucking spine! Dead, dead, dead!
Nurlge is displeased. I can smell their aura from here, crackling like the stench of too sweet rotting meat lying on the beach. A Gutter Runner tries to run into position by sliding out of a tackle zone, but nope! He’s tagged. Crunch! I think I could hear his jaw break from way up here. That can’t be good.
The Abominations start to lay the hurt on the ratmen. You almost feel sorry for the poor Skaven. WHAM! Precious, Veengrd’s Beast of Nurgle, slams Zipkut the Rat Ogre to the ground and KOs him. This is ROUND 2, PEOPLE!
Ugh, and now Abomination lays into the Skaven Thrower, and fracture his skull (-1 AV). That’s…well, that’s not going to end well. It’s like Coach Sarc thought it was a lineman and failed to use his Apothecary. Yup, just like that.
Rotter Fractis Attractus picks up the ball. He hangs back, barely moving the ball down the pitch as his vanguard of Pestigors and Rotters and Warriors drum a bloody tattoo on the hides of the skaven. Down, down, down, boy, I said down!
ARGH! What is that horrible keening I hear? Ah, it’s Coach Sarc’s child. Well, one of his 101 children. A precious little who-ling, who is nothing but a vile distraction. He scoops her up and sends her to bed with a mug of milk, laced liberally with rum. I never said that.
By the time he’s back on the sidelines, that Rotter QB has moved up the field and is two runs away.
The Skaven try some ineffectual pushing, and Gutter Runner zips down to try to block the way. The Rotter is TWO STEPS away from scoring.
What’s this? Sarc is having a lineman making a suicide play – lord! He got out of the tackle zone and is trying to blitz! He’s got a both down / push, but he’s calling to the Chaos gods to reroll…and they laugh in his face: push/push!
The lineman pushes the Rotter with the ball one step closer to the goal line, but he’s still next to the Gutter Runner. The Gutter Runner tries a block and…Veengrd’s coaching turns it into a push.
Turn 6. The Rotter smiles wickedly, showing his three teeth. He smashes THROUGH the Gutter Runner and scores ICMF.
The teams line up. The Skaven take some small solace in looking at the corpse of that dead Prestigor. Name of Khar-tigors, I believe. He was a star player. Recruited from the pus pits of Dulles IV, with a record of 16 SPP. And now he’s deader than Owl City.
Two of the Skaven get back on the field, but not their Rat Ogre. Abominations kick. Brilliant coaching, snerk, gets Skaven an extra reroll. The Thrower grabs the ball from deep in the field and makes an easy toss to a Gutter Runner. A loose cage forms around him.
Precious bashes into said loose cage, like a jock rutting up against the prom queen at the end of prom night.
The Gutter Runner streaks out and around the cage, and dances on the edge of the sidelines…. This is not going to end well. Nope! The Abominations shove him out and the fans “greet him.” And by greet, I mean curb stomp.
HALF TIME. Which of you rotters is gunna git a me a cold one?
Uh-oh, Zipkut the Rat Ogre has given a slow, shuddering, shake and returned to the field. That’s some brilliant coaching on Sarc’s part (getting him another reroll – he’s gonna need it). Nurgle kicks it deep again…
The Skaven get the ball and fall back to the southeast corner of the pitch, almost to their own goal line.
One lone lineman dodges from a tackle zone and tries a blitz on the LOS – what the hell was that? The bookies went from giving him a 1 white die advantage to two red? Who ya gonna believe? The game rules or your own lyin’ eyes? Well, so much for that lineman.
It’s a brutal scramble around the edges of the cage. It’s become a bashing game. Precious gets up to the edge of the cage, shaking off a lineman that marked him, but WHAM! The Rat Ogre grabs those tentacles and slams him to the ground. He’s outta the game!
The Skaven fall back to the goal line and try some fancy passing to move the ball…and by fancy passing I mean drop the damn ball to the ground like a hot stone.
Phacto Decay, a Nurgle Warrior, rushes up for the loose ball. He’s one step away.
Skaven goes into a savage offensive. Knock two of the Abominations down for pretty much the first time all game, and grab the ball – and LOSE IT on a simple pass! What the hell, guys? Is it that horrifying stench of pus and festering wounds?
The scramble continues. The Skaven keep knocking Abominations down, and then immediately dropping the ball. That one was dropped on a hand-off. A HAND-OFF!
Finally, the Skaven Thrower, Whurform Cutter, gets the ball. He moves the ball a good ways up the field, almost to the line of scrimmage, with an “arrow” vanguard leading the way.
Suddenly, Coach Veengrd’s Wizard launches a FIREBALL! I can feel the hiss of smoke against my glasses, and feel my nose hairs singe. This could be it for the Skaven – NO! It takes out but a single Skaven lineman…AND one of the Rotters!
The Rat Ogre lashes into an Abomination and breaks his leg!
The ball is given to Modifle Scuttle, a Gutter Runner, who makes a savage run. He’s got one more turn to run it in, if he’s lucky. But I think he overran it a few paces. He’s pretty wide open. If those Rotters can reach him, this might not go well.
Rotter #1 runs up to him to mark him. Immediatelys followed by his buddy Rotter who blitzes – SUCCESFULLY – and slams Scuttle to the ground. The ball is loose!
The Skaven have one more wild, hail Horn Rat play. If their lineman can blitz…and if their thrower can grab it…the lineman is going for it AND HE DODGES out of the tackle zone! He PUSHES the Rotter away from the ball! It’s open!
The Skaven Thrower sees his chance and leaps forward … and fails to get out of the tackle zone! He stumbles, and is KOd. That, as they say in the upper 53, is that, folks.
1-0, for the Abominations.
In summary, Nurgle’s Abominations got 1 catch, 3 tackles, 3 KOs, and 2 casualties.
The skittery Skaven Screamers had 4 passes, 4 catches, 1 tackle, 1 KO, 3 casualties, and 1 death.
This is Blind Bastard Barnabas. Lights out.